


holding onto you

by anonlymous



Series: October Challenges 2019 [9]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood-centric, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, Supportive Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-12-09 06:56:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20990693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anonlymous/pseuds/anonlymous
Summary: There’s blood on his knuckles and sweat on his face and an ache pervading his entire body, but for a moment Alec feels the most alive he’s been all week.





	holding onto you

**Author's Note:**

> For day 11 of Flufftober (hands), except I sort of turned it into whump.

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

There’s blood on his knuckles and sweat on his face and an ache pervading his entire body, but for a moment Alec feels the most alive he’s been all week.

Then he remembers why he's here – punching bags in the training room, still trapped within the stifling walls of the Institute and all its pressures, avoiding his husband and their home – in the first place and flinches. He lashes out again with furious fists and gets a savage sort of pleasure at watching the bag swing away, albeit not as quickly as it did when he first started.

It’s not exactly a surprise that he’s slowing down. At this point Alec is only running on fumes and a desperate desire to drown out the voices in his head.

Weak. _Thump_. Forget playing politics; if he doesn’t lead missions and protect people, what kind of Shadowhunter is he?

Bad strategist. _Thump_. Shouldn’t have trusted all the reports, Mantids travel in packs, he should have _known_ there would be more than expected.

Unfit leader. _Thump_. People, _his_ people, got hurt because of his orders.

Not good enough. _Thump._ Not good enough. _Thump. Thump. Thump._

No matter how hard he punches, he can’t quite ignore the last one, can’t outrun the truth. But he’s so caught up in trying that he doesn’t hear the soft noise of footsteps behind him, the sharp intake of breath his watcher takes, the whisper of _Alexander_.

But he is a Shadowhunter, and no matter his exhaustion or how deeply he’s caught in his head, his body retains its instincts. When he hears “Alexander” again, he spins around and sees Magnus.

“Alexander,” Magnus says, once more. Cautiously, as if Alec is a frightened animal that can be spooked away, he steps forward until he’s close enough to take Alec’s hands. When he does, Alec lets his eyes slip closed, not wanting to see the sadness on Magnus’s face, not wanting to see the pain he's caused.

“Darling,” Magnus whispers, so quietly Alec can barely hear it over the roaring in his head. “Can I heal you?”

Alec thinks _no don’t_ and _say yes or he’ll be upset_ and _just tell him you’re fine_ and the cacophony of conflicting thoughts is too much. Instead of speaking he just sags forward, burying his face in Magnus’s neck. Magnus lifts a hand to catch him, curling an arm around his waist, and Alec hopes he understands that this falling means _trust _and _I don’t know _and _do what you want_.

He must understand, because a moment later there are gentle waves of blue caressing his bloody hands, fingers stroking his calloused killer’s palms, tender kisses pressed to the newly-healed skin of his knuckles.

Like this, encircled in Magnus’s arms, injuries soothed and brain occupied, Alec can almost forget what drove him here in the first place. The voices are still making their accusations, hissing _weak_ and _needy_ and _burden_, but everything seems so far away now.

Distantly, Alec is aware of the swooshing noise of a portal opening, the sandalwood-and-citrus scent of the loft, the wave of magic that leaves him significantly less sweaty and dressed in soft cotton instead of leather. Then Magnus is nudging them toward the bedroom and once he lays down, all the energy remaining in his body seeps out. He feels too exhausted to move, or speak, or even reach for Magnus as he gets in and pulls the sheets over them.

There are heavy blankets above him, and strong arms around him, and finally, the noise in his head stops and the world is quiet again. 


End file.
